Despair
by ana-molly
Summary: one-shot Draco does what he has to in order to keep Harry safe, but Harry doesn't like it. HPDM, hints at HGSS.. sad, a little dark... Rated for language


I shake my head furiously, tears forming in my eyes. He runs his fingertips slowly down the side of my face, never once looking in my eyes. His face is hauntingly blank, just like every other time he tried to tell me this would happen. Only this time, I know we're not just talking about 'what ifs'. He's telling me that it's here. We are standing on the edge of Hogwarts ground, by the Apparition point. Due mostly to his paranoia, I am not to cross over the imaginary line into "Apparatable lands". Struggling to bring myself back into the situation, I choke back a sob.

"Please don't do this." I can't help but to beg him even though I know it won't help. His hand drops and I immediately miss his touch. I try to reach out to him but I can't make either of my hands move. The liquid finally slips from my eyes, making twin tracks down my cheeks. He suddenly loses his carefully- constructed mask and the pain and anguish rush through his features.

"You know I have to," he tells me, knitting his eyebrows together. His hands take my face again and they furiously wipe the tears from my face. It's sick, but I'm glad that his voice shakes because it means this is just as hard for him.

"No," I say stubbornly. "I can help you. I can _hide_ you." My hands feel like lead, but I manage to pry them up to rest on either of his cheeks. They are too heavy for me to hold them up, so they fall from his face to land on his shoulders.

"I love you," he says. His voice sounds strong and clear and I know from his tone that he needs me to listen to his every word he'll say next. "I love you more than anything else in the world and I need you to remember that, no matter what happens. Can you do that for me, love? Remember me like this and know that our love was more real than anything else in my life, know that _this_ is me, and whoever I become is not. No matter what I say to you or do to you from now until I die, I have never hated you and I never will. You're the most important part of my life and _I cannot live if I know you're not safe_." His eyes are pleading with me and the only thing I can do is nod.

"Okay," I say softly, looking down. His soft hands force my face gently but firmly back up to look into his beautiful grey eyes and I can see the love in them.

"I have to do this to keep you safe," he tells me. He says the same thing every time, as if leaving me won't break me. I suppose that knowing he loves me is better than thinking he doesn't, but it doesn't make it much easier to breathe when I think about him leaving.

"What about me keeping you safe?" I argue. I can tell he expected this because his response is immediate.

"It's my turn, Potter," he says, tugging gently on a section of my hair. He doesn't use my last name spitefully like he used to. He's teasing me, now. "I won't have you suffer anymore because of him," he insists.

"What about you?" I wail. "I mean- fuck, Draco, all it takes is a flick of his wand and anyone is on the ground screaming!" His face is blank again and I can tell it's the only way he knows how to block me from seeing his fear.

"I'll be fine," he soothes. I drop my eyes, unable to keep looking at his. I'm never away from them, of course. Their beautiful silvery color was etched into my mind the moment I met him. His arms slide around my waist to pull me close and I throw my arms around his shoulders, my sobs breaking loose and my hands clinging to his shirt. I never want to let go because I know that once I do, everything is different.

"I love you so much," I manage to tell him in between sobs. One of his hands reaches up and buries itself in my hair, fingers lightly threading through the strands in an action he knows will calm me down.

"I love you, too," he whispers. "But I have to go." He pulls away from me, although I can tell he doesn't want to. He hesitates before taking my face in his hands and pressing a soft kiss to the wretched scar on my forehead- the scar whose maker is keeping us apart. Draco covers his face with the required mask and pulls the hood of his cloak up. I drop my head to avoid looking at him- true to what he has told me, I refuse to remember him like that. I want to remember him how we woke up this morning; both semi-groggy but happy and _safe_. My hand covers my mouth of its own accord and I can't help but to sob into it. Before I can catch his movements, the mask is off, my hand is moved and his lips are attached to mine. We press together tightly, my arms around his waist and his around my neck, each of us pulling the other closer. The moment is over as quickly as it began and I miss his kiss already.

He stares directly into my eyes for a full minute before the mask is replaced and he turns and leaves me alone in the Forbidden Forest. It takes me a good amount of time, but I am eventually able to blindly stumble my way out of the forest and Hermione is already waiting for me on the other side. I collapse into her, letting go and beginning to sob. She understands because of her even-more-frowned-upon relationship and all we can really do is cling to each other until they return.

Hermione leads me back to Gryffindor Tower and I immediately trudge up the stairs to my dorm. All I want is a shower and sleep. Scratch that- all I want is _Draco_, but I know I need to think of the things I can control. I strip quickly but silently and step under the burning hot spray. The blazing temperature reminds me that I am alive and I almost welcome the pain.

I don't know when I'll see him again, but I know I have to stay strong. If nothing else, I have to stay strong for _him._


End file.
